There are moments when I feel this deep suffocation, a feeling of utter discontentment, an immense indifference towards anything and everything. There is this strong urge to just run away from everything. The mere presence of people stifles me, be it in my home or the market place or a professional setting. I just want to break all bonds, be free from all responsibilities, all duties or other ways that society has devised to hold me down. I feel the futility behind it all, how I am nothing but a mere slave of my own senses. I simply fell like standing aside refusing to play the game anymore.
Its a strange discontentment that finds its strength from a fight going on within me.
On one side, there is this part that just wants to lose itself in the creation, that has realized that its simply its own salvation that it can seek; The part wants to go and settle someplace silently or go through the world earning only the bare minimum required for survival. It wants to dance with the peacocks; Sway with the trees totally being in the moment; It wants to talk to the wind, to ride with it to places far and near; It wants to sleep on the fluffy clouds; To talk with the birds; To sing the silent song of existence; To observe and learn from the rivers about the paradoxical ephemeral and continuous nature of life and about so many other dualities present all around; It wants to find its peace by losing myself in myself.
On the other hand, there is an other part that is so emotional, that just can’t look the other way upon seeing injustice, that beats itself up day and night in figuring out the why behind so much suffering in the world; That keeps trying to figure out why it’s not him in the place of the children being born up in environments so detrimental to their childhood. It wants to keep fighting, to keep trying to do something about it. Its funny that it still wants to control despite having the intellectual and to some extent, experiential understanding of having no control whatsoever over the outcome, knowing that good and evil will forever co-exist and so will suffering and happiness for aren’t they but two sides of the same, ephemeral fleeting coin. Nonetheless, It still wants to have the satisfaction of knowing that it at-least made the effort, despite being totally aware of the pain involved in walking down the path for when has the outcome ever been exactly according to how we aim it to be.
The fight just overwhelms me at times and comes out as Vairagya, a term in Indian philosophy referring to a feeling of utter discontentment and detachment from the world, a feeling of leaving everything as it is and just being. The fight will only subside as and when i find the balance, the middle path upon which i would tread. Until then, i have no option but to smile through these moments for at this point, I am sure that leaving all and living a monk’s life is not my calling in this life.
Have you gone through a similar phase in your life? Do share your experience, Hopefully, it will help me move a step closer to finding my balance.