There are moments when I feel this deep suffocation, a feeling of utter discontentment, an immense indifference towards anything and everything. There is this strong urge to just run away from everything. The mere presence of people stifles me, be it in my home or the market place or a professional setting. I just want to break all bonds, be free from all responsibilities, all duties or other ways that society has devised to hold me down. I feel the futility behind it all, how I am nothing but a mere slave of my own senses. I simply fell like standing aside refusing to play the game anymore.
Its a strange discontentment that finds its strength from a fight going on within me.
On one side, there is this part that just wants to lose itself in the creation, that has realized that its simply its own salvation that it can seek; The part wants to go and settle someplace silently or go through the world earning only the bare minimum required for survival. It wants to dance with the peacocks; Sway with the trees totally being in the moment; It wants to talk to the wind, to ride with it to places far and near; It wants to sleep on the fluffy clouds; To talk with the birds; To sing the silent song of existence; To observe and learn from the rivers about the paradoxical ephemeral and continuous nature of life and about so many other dualities present all around; It wants to find its peace by losing myself in myself.
On the other hand, there is an other part that is so emotional, that just can’t look the other way upon seeing injustice, that beats itself up day and night in figuring out the why behind so much suffering in the world; That keeps trying to figure out why it’s not him in the place of the children being born up in environments so detrimental to their childhood. It wants to keep fighting, to keep trying to do something about it. Its funny that it still wants to control despite having the intellectual and to some extent, experiential understanding of having no control whatsoever over the outcome, knowing that good and evil will forever co-exist and so will suffering and happiness for aren’t they but two sides of the same, ephemeral fleeting coin. Nonetheless, It still wants to have the satisfaction of knowing that it at-least made the effort, despite being totally aware of the pain involved in walking down the path for when has the outcome ever been exactly according to how we aim it to be.
The fight just overwhelms me at times and comes out as Vairagya, a term in Indian philosophy referring to a feeling of utter discontentment and detachment from the world, a feeling of leaving everything as it is and just being. The fight will only subside as and when i find the balance, the middle path upon which i would tread. Until then, i have no option but to smile through these moments for at this point, I am sure that leaving all and living a monk’s life is not my calling in this life.
Have you gone through a similar phase in your life? Do share your experience, Hopefully, it will help me move a step closer to finding my balance.
Just A Crazy Dreamer 
well, i guess its the self that is independent of choices, not the person
मेरे मित्र ने इस बारे मै एक दिन मुझसे कहा कि सब कुछ छोड़कर त्याग कर जो अंश उन्होंने पाया वह समुन्द्र के एक बूँद के बराबर था.. मो को कहाँ ढूंढे रे बन्दे मै तो तेरे पास में .. समता असमता के द्वन्द में अपने आप को पहचानना ..जरुरी नहीं की वैराग्य ही उपाय है ..ऐसा मेरा एक दोस्त कहता है जिसने वैराग्य अपनाया …जरूरी है जहाँ है वहीँ कार्य हो detachment के साथ..अप्प दीपो भव…
@Sarvesh: I don’t really know, Yet to figure that out.. 🙂
@diwakarbisht: Yes, and i feel that my balance, my path would lie somewhere there itself: Of working with detachment. Hopefully, i will reach it soon. 🙂
I love this piece. On this journey through existence we are all fighting to find balance. Struggling to emit love amongst disharmony. @JeniCalhoun
Thank you so much. The irony here is the fact that we will find balance the day we stop looking for it and just start being. But, somehow we just can’t let go, we keep on trying to control and move things our way. Isn’t it funny to think that we have to fight for finding balance, but that’s the beauty of it all, the struggle to just be, to neither try nor not try. 🙂
I completely agree! I relate to this piece. Trying to find that balance is the ultimate struggle, the purpose of our lives. It’s so true how we’re all going through that same struggle…to complexity of being human, both terrible and wonderful.
Thank you.. I am glad you could connect with the piece. 🙂 Yes, it amazes me too, how we all are so different yet so similar. I fall back on a b’tful quote from the Bhagwad Geeta: As many people, that many paths. 🙂
I guess it is but universal to feel lost in all this madness we live in. Perhaps the only way we can find peace is to find harmony in such chaos.
p.s. loved your blog.
🙂 Thank you so much. I agree, finding that harmony is the only thing that’s keeping me going. 🙂
I think I might have hurt my eye reading random posts on your blog. I kinda wished it was on paper instead.
Haha. I mostly write all of them out in a diary and then share them here. So, anytime you are around in Delhi, i will let u have a peek at my diary. 🙂
I will bear that in mind. Who knows? I might just be around India sometime in the future. haha
You never really know what the Universe has up its sleeves waiting for you. Thank you for the nice comments, i really enjoyed our short conversations. 🙂
Very well written, I enjoyed reading this.:) I can relate, I’m sure all of us can. , but its leaving everything you worked for and have makes it a little more difficult. If only it was easy eh..?
Yes.. If only that it was easy.. In reality, its the easiest thing to do as the things wherein our hearts are united with our minds come naturally. However, we tend to keep attempting to control leading to a conflict of our own creation within our minds.. 🙂
You don’t yet want to relax and let go fully, or you don’t know that is what you crave.
The struggle comes from consuming information from outside sources, and assuming that leads to more enlightenment. As we listen to others, their thoughts, expressed through their mouths hurt because we have a sneaky suspicion the whole exchange is just to be ‘right’.
Yes, true. I was very restless when I had written the post and also, was trying my level best to control things to what i thought was my way. However, I have reached the phase of letting go now. The restlessness is still there but I am at peace with it now. I know I want to see the world, go places and not be bound to anything for a few more years. Thank you for sharing your insights with me. I am really sorry for being late with my replies but I wanted to take out proper time to reply for I really loved your comments. They made me think a lot on what I had written.. 🙂
Recognize your restlessness and journey are merely internal demands. You don’t actually have to go anywhere. Be happy whatever you do.
😀
Hmmm.. Yes.. But I want to travel for now. I feel that my next step involves going out and experience different cultures.. The restlessnes is a reality for now, it will go when it has to.. 🙂
…and be careful of the thinking mind. It is a tricky thing if sense and reason diminish.
That it is, there is little doubt around it.. Its the best friend and the worst enemy too..
When we understand the vessel in which best friend and worst enemy exist, then we see the conflict of the two.
True… Also, the realization that I am the master of my mind rather than a slave has been really strong for me though it was only for a few moments.. 🙂
😀 it will return. Enjoy your self-realization
Yes… Thank you.. 🙂
I’ve just posted this 🙂
http://beinga2or1.wordpress.com/2014/10/01/silence-is-golden/
Will read it.. 🙂
Why are the comments disable on your article.. You know this was the precise thought I was boggled with 2 days back.. 🙂
I have a separate comments section. I will enable on the post if you wish /\
Yes Please.. I will then share my thoughts on the same.. 🙂
go for it
You have to click on the article header to see the comments box at the bottom of the post
‘stithapragyan’ 🙂 Very difficult, but not attainable 🙂
Yes. The state of ‘Stitha-prajna’, though I disagree with the very difficult part for that’s simply what the mind tells us. That’s simply the mind’s way of controlling and ensuring we stay in fear of it. I have experienced the stage at the most unexpected of moments. Where I have been able to simply let go, it followed naturally without any effort. Being able to maintain that stage is another ballgame altogether.. 🙂
sorry i meant not ‘un-attainable’!
Making your peace with the world as it is can be difficult; understanding that suffering is a part of our journey. And though we cannot always alleviate another’s suffering, we can send them love. Remember that what we ‘see” on a physical level is not all that is happening. So much more occurs on other energetic levels for all sentient beings. And so judging is futile, for that is a result only of our own limited perspective. Walk in love, act with pure intent and do not let fear hold you back. You as an individual CAN make a difference by following just these 3 simple guidelines. And give yourself the quiet time you need to breathe and replenish and reconnect with your higher self. Namaste.
Thank you so much for such a beautiful comment, my friend. You have summarized all there is about life in such few words. I totally agree. Purity, Patience and Perseverance is my way of living life and I keep on adding a pinch of fun here and there too..Namaste to you too. Also, I am sorry for the late reply. 🙂
vairagya.. this is what caught my attention and i went on reading the piece. i relate to everything that’s been said here.
Thank you so much.. I would love to hear more about what you connected with? 🙂 🙂
Ah after reading this piece i could realize whats going on inside my mind from past few weeks. So this is what it’s called.. Vairagya. I definitely can relate to everything that’s been shared here. thanks 🙂
Nice.. I am happy you could connect.. I am intrigued and want to know more about what’s going in your mind, only if you feel comfortable enough to share.. 🙂