On my recent trip to the hills of Kumaon, I realized yet again how trapped I feel in this body, how trapped and bound I am because of all the things I wish to control, because of the desire present within to shape things my way or to influence the outcome somehow even despite being perfectly aware of the fact that the outcome has never been in my hands.
While standing atop a cliff, as i stared into the grandeur of the mighty Himalayas and the vastness of the valley beneath, all I wanted was to jump to experience that complete freedom, to experience the feeling of being totally free from fear and desire, of being able to be totally present in those few moments, free from all vagaries that the mind keeps distracting itself with, of just being able to be as I am, of just being able to let everything be as it is, of just being a observer, of being able to stand on the side and simply refuse to play the game anymore. I just felt like jumping, even despite knowing that the fall wouldn’t last more than a few seconds but somehow that didn’t matter, those few moments of ultimate freedom seemed more valuable than living otherwise, being a slave of my own mind, of being shackled by my own desires and fears. I had rather enjoy those few moments of freedom before being liberated and oh boy, what a beautiful liberation that would be.
Needless to say, since I am here writing this blog, I didn’t really go ahead with the idea of the jump. Apparently still the part in me which wants to control is still stronger than the other one, so here I am still trying to fight it out. Though I strongly feel that one of these days either Vairagya might just catch up on me and I might just disappear for good OR I would find the balance between the two which would help me accept things as they are and thus take a step closer towards liberation.
🙂
Just A Crazy Dreamer 
Stay strong and know that you will move through the illusion. You have come here for a great reason. Please don’t give up on exploring and discovering your true connection to your inner light. The mind fades as we learn to let go of the illusions that fear creates. Namaste
Thank you for the nice comment Deanne. I am stronger than ever after articulating this experience. Also, i do understand the reason for my existence, in-fact, i am on the right path and doing exactly what i love doing in the present. Still, at times it all seems just like a universal game and myself as nothing more than a pawn, its at times like these(of vairagya or detachment), when i question it all. 🙂
“It is better to burn out trying than be forgotten” – No idea who said this.
What if i don’t want to remembered even while i am burning out, what if all i want is to do my duty with no desire whatsoever of any recognition or fame? Ever thought of that, buddy. 🙂
Vairagya is a meta-stable state impossible to achieve at all times in one’s life. I have found myself feeling the same as you, and by that i have learnt a bit about why it is the way it is. What i reckon is that there is no feeling of independence without the experience of constraints and we have to embrace one in order to master the other. There’s a long way to go but, you have achieved a great deal by this experience and however inexpressible it is, i laud your effort to write it down in words.
Thank you for the nice comment Varun. I agree, finding the middle path is the only way out for the extremes would always exist as they are and trying to control or run away from one would only bring it closer with greater force. Also, i personally feel that Vairagya is not a state which one has to achieve, it’s something that comes naturally as and when it has to, that detachment can’t be brought about, it comes on its own when a particular stage is reached in spirituality. Putting an experience down in words helps me understand it better as some sense comes out of the randomness inside my head. 🙂
The releasement of the body, peace and serenity abound.
Falling backwards off a cliff, heart open wide
as you ascend into the arms of the field
aware once again with pure energy
the joy that you anticipated
as you know… you are home.
The feeling couldn’t have been put in better and more apt words Sharon. You simply nailed it… Thank you so much for your comment. 🙂