On my recent trip to the hills of Kumaon, I realized yet again how trapped I feel in this body, how trapped and bound I am because of all the things I wish to control, because of the desire present within to shape things my way or to influence the outcome somehow even despite being perfectly aware of the fact that the outcome has never been in my hands.
While standing atop a cliff, as i stared into the grandeur of the mighty Himalayas and the vastness of the valley beneath, all I wanted was to jump to experience that complete freedom, to experience the feeling of being totally free from fear and desire, of being able to be totally present in those few moments, free from all vagaries that the mind keeps distracting itself with, of just being able to be as I am, of just being able to let everything be as it is, of just being a observer, of being able to stand on the side and simply refuse to play the game anymore. I just felt like jumping, even despite knowing that the fall wouldn’t last more than a few seconds but somehow that didn’t matter, those few moments of ultimate freedom seemed more valuable than living otherwise, being a slave of my own mind, of being shackled by my own desires and fears. I had rather enjoy those few moments of freedom before being liberated and oh boy, what a beautiful liberation that would be.
Needless to say, since I am here writing this blog, I didn’t really go ahead with the idea of the jump. Apparently still the part in me which wants to control is still stronger than the other one, so here I am still trying to fight it out. Though I strongly feel that one of these days either Vairagya might just catch up on me and I might just disappear for good OR I would find the balance between the two which would help me accept things as they are and thus take a step closer towards liberation.