The Monologue

Character: Self

Audience: Self/The Universe

Setting: Standing at the edge of a cliff in the Himalayas

Objective: To seek and to be

Standing here, yet again I think of jumping. But into what, I know not. Haven’t I jumped multiple times already. Can it be more uncertain that it already is. I am not even scared anymore. The same question plagues me no end.

Who am I?

What is it that defines me? Or is there a definition at all?

Ya, the name is Nakul, I have heard it a million times, but what does that even mean. Over the years, There are so many identities, so many labels that I have been given or that I have taken over myself. In a way they all define me, In a way they don’t.

Am I the name, the son, the brother, the lover, the friend, the IITian, the social worker? Am I the body, the mind, the soul? Am I the doer, the dreamer, the thinker, the writer, the observer? Am I the player or the play? Am I all of these or am I none of these?

Why do I even seek the definition? Why not just accept all that there is or that seems to be?

But then how do I know what seems to be is all that is?

Don’t the seeking and the acceptance of it go hand in hand? Why fight with one while accepting the other?

Urghh!! What is it that I want?

Why do I exist?

Why do I seek to bring about change, Why do I seek to inspire, Why do I desire to be the spark that will initiate the Kranti (revolution), from that small village, up in the Himalayas? Why do I want to impact politics?

Why is there this urge within me to give at-least some meaning to life. Maybe there isn’t meant to be a meaning but then why exist at all?

Having seen and experienced so many extremes of existence, there is an awareness within of how, the impact that I will have, the money that I will make, the relationships that I will value, how they are all ephemeral, temporary.

How they all have a beginning and an end too. How myself and all the people that I have ever loved shall go back to the same mud that they have risen from.

Maybe it all is nonsense, an eternal go round and round with me running in my tiny circle. Then there isn’t a forward or a backward is there? Well there isn’t. There is no notion of growth too but then why bother to do anything at all, why work, why play, why dance, write, sing, procreate?

Ah! Who cares.

So many questions both within and without, so many answers that I seek.

Or maybe, these are simply excuses that I am making, to run away from facing the one I have had a glimpse of.

Why am I so scared of embracing the reality that resides and flows from within myself? Aren’t all these excuses to keep the running going, to ensure that, except for a few moments, I don’t stop to turn around and face who I am.

I know there is no answer, I know that I already am all that I seek to be, I am all that I need to be.

So, that’s it then..  Let the running go on and on..

15 thoughts on “The Monologue

  1. It seems to me ,that you have to find your purpose in life and really go after your dream.We are all here for a reason.Find out what makes you come more alive ,this is your purpose . go after it .We are spirits having a human experience. we are of capable far more than we even realize 🙂
    I wish for you you can find your unique way and purpose.

    • Thank you for your kind comment and wishes, Erika. I don’t know about finding the purpose though. I mean, why find the purpose, why go after that one thing? I am following my path and in the present, doing exactly what I want to be doing, so am not off the path. However, this questioning is directed right at the foundation of the belief that I must have a purpose, that there must be at-least some meaning to my life. What if there isn’t any meaning, what if this is just running round and round in circles with no forward or backward. 🙂

    • I am content. In the present, I am following my path and doing exactly what I want to be doing. However, I am not sure about the meaning part and thus, the questioning. I know its easy for me to believe that all life has meaning and that all that I am doing is towards something great/positive. However, what if its just a story that I am telling myself, what if there is no forward or backward to go to, what if I am just running around in circles. These are genuine doubts, I just don’t want to believe that my existence has meaning just to make myself feel good or wanted. I want to come face to face with the truth and that will only be possible if I challenge what I have always taken for granted, i.e. believing that I was special. I now want to understand fully what do I even mean by being unique/special, etc. I hope you understand the chaos within me better now. Thank you so much for pushing me to think more on this, I wouldn’t have articulated this had you not pushed to question if this post was a result of discontentment rather than genuine questioning.

  2. Beautifully expressed Nakul. Makes me feel that I ain’t alone, cos I have been having the same questions too… not sure if I am anywhere near the answers I seek, but I do know they lie within! 🙂

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