Audience: Self/The Universe
Setting: Standing at the edge of a cliff in the Himalayas
Objective: To seek and to be
Standing here, yet again I think of jumping. But into what, I know not. Haven’t I jumped multiple times already. Can it be more uncertain that it already is. I am not even scared anymore. The same question plagues me no end.
Who am I?
What is it that defines me? Or is there a definition at all?
Ya, the name is Nakul, I have heard it a million times, but what does that even mean. Over the years, There are so many identities, so many labels that I have been given or that I have taken over myself. In a way they all define me, In a way they don’t.
Am I the name, the son, the brother, the lover, the friend, the IITian, the social worker? Am I the body, the mind, the soul? Am I the doer, the dreamer, the thinker, the writer, the observer? Am I the player or the play? Am I all of these or am I none of these?
Why do I even seek the definition? Why not just accept all that there is or that seems to be?
But then how do I know what seems to be is all that is?
Don’t the seeking and the acceptance of it go hand in hand? Why fight with one while accepting the other?
Urghh!! What is it that I want?
Why do I exist?
Why do I seek to bring about change, Why do I seek to inspire, Why do I desire to be the spark that will initiate the Kranti (revolution), from that small village, up in the Himalayas? Why do I want to impact politics?
Why is there this urge within me to give at-least some meaning to life. Maybe there isn’t meant to be a meaning but then why exist at all?
Having seen and experienced so many extremes of existence, there is an awareness within of how, the impact that I will have, the money that I will make, the relationships that I will value, how they are all ephemeral, temporary.
How they all have a beginning and an end too. How myself and all the people that I have ever loved shall go back to the same mud that they have risen from.
Maybe it all is nonsense, an eternal go round and round with me running in my tiny circle. Then there isn’t a forward or a backward is there? Well there isn’t. There is no notion of growth too but then why bother to do anything at all, why work, why play, why dance, write, sing, procreate?
Ah! Who cares.
So many questions both within and without, so many answers that I seek.
Or maybe, these are simply excuses that I am making, to run away from facing the one I have had a glimpse of.
Why am I so scared of embracing the reality that resides and flows from within myself? Aren’t all these excuses to keep the running going, to ensure that, except for a few moments, I don’t stop to turn around and face who I am.
I know there is no answer, I know that I already am all that I seek to be, I am all that I need to be.
So, that’s it then.. Let the running go on and on..