The last 2 months were very tumultuous for me as i was exposed to a lot of negativity while working with the homeless women of Delhi. The struggle they had faced and the fact that HOPE was a word that didn’t exist for them really made me question a lot of my own beliefs in the way you can change mindsets, in my own ability to inspire people around me to change. I realized a lot about my shortcomings and also, of the fact that i had still a long way to go in developing that goodness and integrity within me. I also worked in a team which was more interested in preparing reports to show to the world rather than getting some actual work done on the ground. Yet again, i was unable to take charge of the situation and knit the team into a unit to make them work. In simple words, i was unable to lead them, instead i myself fell into the vicious trap of cribbing and blaming anything and everything for the situation and not taking any self-initiative to improve it.
This experience kinda woke me up from the dream run that i was having for it made me come face to face with the still many hypocrisies present within which, now i see are so so much visible. I realized that while i was out there forming and passing judgement on different issues, people, i was totally ignoring these hypocrisies present within me. Post joining TFI, i had addressed a lot of issues in myself, predominantly of them being: not seeking fame from the work i am doing, working hard and driving out laziness, focusing on just my own work and not thinking/forming opinions about the work that anyone else did and most importantly to focus on the present moment,i.e my teaching and not day-dream about my long term plans. This had worked quite well for me and once i began work with the kids and got involved in their preparation for the national level tests, i somehow unconsciously lost any desire for result, i was just happy enjoying the fact that kids were preparing and that they were enjoying the preparation. Thus, in a way i came really close to working unselfishly without any desire to see the result of one’s work and just doing it for the love of it.
However, what the success of the kids in the exams did to me was that i started wanting to taste that sweet taste of success again. Thus, when i entered the work for homeless, all my actions were driven with the expectation that they will lead to visible results. The desire for seeing those results when combined with my own impatience to see things done quickly lead to a deadly combination for i started losing control when i didn’t people in the team responding and also, when i saw the hopelessness in the women at the shelter. Instead of viewing the slow metamorphosis that was taking place in the women, i started cribbing about how they were themselves responsible for their condition and how there can be no change. I totally forgot that i didn’t go there to see any change in them and also, i totally ignored the huge changes that were coming in me due to going there everyday.
Its funny now when i look back at it. We think we know ourselves but, there are so many hypocrisies hidden within us that we are yet to come face to face with, that only disclose themselves in the extreme of situations and trust me, its only how we react in those situations that shows our true nature for only when your limits are challenged beyond your imagination, do you know the levels to which you can stretch them. I came face to face with the fact that there is still a part in me that seeks fame, there is still a part in me which wants to run away, which doesn’t truly believe in the power of self. There is still a part in me that lies and creates stories for me to believe and be content with(keeping myself in a fantasy world refusing to see reality).
Facing and eliminating them will be a slow process and will come in due time as i rise my levels of integrity with my actions, but the important lesson these taught me was to prevent myself from losing focus and never ever ever judging anybody else’s actions.