The weak moments

As i sit alone on a saturday night, eating self-cooked food, tinde(a vegetable)- chawal to be precise, listening to my favourite set of Sufi songs, there is a part in me that wants to run away from this life. A part that just wants me to behave like a normal 23 year old, maybe if only for some time. It hates the fact that i am so exhausted from the week’s work that i have no guts to even go and eat out, it hates the fact that i have no friends i can go to on a saturday evening. It wasn’t always like this, i had a lot of people i could go to but as i have progressed along my path and gained more and more focus on the goal, i have kinda become a lone warrior. I also used to enjoy the flirting and wooing’s. Life has changed so so much now, i don’t even remember the last time i flirted with a girl, in-fact, i don’t even remember the last time i have even felt like flirting. The obsession with the goal has ensured that i don’t lose focus even once and given the way i am right now, with all my half-baked,yet to take proper shape talks about my country, spirituality, soul-searching, i doubt if anyone can even bear me for more than 5 minutes, why would anybody be interested to listen me out for my own integrity is as yet challenge-able. Also, i am so self-obsessed that i doubt i can even notice if somebody does even get past the bearing part and attempts flirting.  I don’t know when i started losing the friends, some i lost because i didn’t care and some because they didn’t care but the bottom line is of the few that are left, most are like me: totally exhausted on the weekend’s.

That part in me is scared, really scared at the pace at which all this change is taking place. The stakes that i have set up against myself are so high now that if i fail, i would end up ruining myself for the rest of whatever worthless life that would be left. Deep within, i do know for sure, that i will not fail, i have never been more ready and prepared to take this on. I know what i want and why i am doing it, i am happy at the fact that i have worked so hard all week that am exhausted, i love being exhausted. I took up the decision of living alone myself, knowing very well as to what i was getting into, i did it because i had a plan in mind, a plan that i have set into motion, which is bringing me that much needed pleasure. However, there are still these moments of weaknesses that suddenly engulf me, moments wherein the thoughts of my parents and so many of people around takes over and the belief i have in self just fiddles away. I have to hold myself from going astray in such moments for only i know how much i would lose if i give into these small moments of seeking temporary pleasure’s. Being an agnostic, i don’t even have god to resort to in such moments of weaknesses, have only my inner self to fall back on. I know i am strong enough and hopefully the strength would grow with time and for the time being, i know i need to be alone. Ekla Chalo Re.

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