There is a part in me which just wants to give up everything and become a wandering soul totally indulged in the Bhakti of the supreme energy, the super-soul. There are so many times whence all the interest that i have in the world just dwindles away and all i am left with is the deep desire of being one with everything, of seeking that oneness with the universal energy, of just letting its divine love flow through myself and out from me. All i want is to go up and settle somewhere high in the hills wherein i can then just seek my own salvation and answer the mysterious queries that trouble my mind so much. However, the other part of me, the stronger one, sees this part as a coward and sees the path of Bhakti for myself as just running away from the overwhelming negativity’s rather than having the courage to stand up and face it. All this part wants to do is to dedicate its self to doing anything and everything possible for the upliftment of the millions who are poor and don’t have even the basic of rights. It sees and respects Karma and Karma alone.
Looking deep within myself i do realize that its only and only through action which is detached to results, will i be happy. I hate being a bystander or inactive. However, there are times when i get scared seeing the magnitude of problems before me. I tend to start thinking and cribbing over the situation rather than finding ways to solve it, taking one problem at a time. Deep within i do believe that the universe will help me in my purpose by sending appropriate people at appropriate times, however, still that faith dwindles, both in myself and in the universe. I guess its the impatience within me of getting things done faster that leads me to have expectation of seeing quick results from the Karma that i put in, therein i go against my basic principle of doing Karma, free from the desire of seeing or seeking any result. As stated by a guru i met recently: Its like i am standing next to a swimming pool, stating that i want to learn swimming, however, i am doing everything other than jumping in. 🙂
I also need to find some balance between doing work and spending that quiet time with myself so as to better understand that emotional part of me that seeks Bhakti. I have set up a Vedic routine for myself and have been trying to follow it strictly, haven’t really been successful with it as yet though. The Vedanta states that every person has a unique temperaments and it is according to his/her temperaments that a suitable path should be decided and this path shall have all four different types of yoga’s in it, with their temperaments deciding which is more and which is less. I hope to find my perfect path soon.