Ever since i took a decision to walk down the not-so-common path, i have been subjected yet and again to a question : HOW HAVE YOU BEEN. Now, this question is a very normal question, However, what varies is the way it is put up. In my case, 9/10 people asking me this question dip it into a bowl of sarcasm before throwing it towards me. In-fact, i laugh at times because the way they put it up is not at all subtle even though they desperately try to make it seem so. I can see that sly smile hiding behind that fake concerned look and honestly speaking, there is nothing that gives me more pleasure than being able to figure out a person’s true intentions. Ahhh, the pleasure of standing there in front of someone and being able to know/judge how much genuine their concerns/expressions are, or just simply knowing the truth behind all their talks,etc. You can then actually stand there and have a really great time for you can set their directionless brains into any direction you so want. You can make them feel that you are totally not happy or feeling really dejected about the job or you can make them feel miserable by telling them how amazing and awesome your life is. The part that i particularly relish the most is making the other person feel that i have taken a totally foolish decision and that nobody is regretting it more than i. I can’t even describe how i enjoy the look of victory, the half-self satisfied smug that most of them give themselves while simultaneously trying to show tons of fake concern. I wish i could even come close to describing that face that they make. I so love it.
The best part though would always remain the fact that you as a person have reached a stage or a level in your thoughts where personal opinions or the generally accepted norms of the world matter no more, all that matters is those very few people who are worth it and of course, the most important the things that give you satisfaction and happiness.
Also, now the answer that i have come up with generally fetches me weirdly strange looks(not from TFI fellows for they can surely understand what i am going through), The answer that i give is : I am alive, smiling and hanging on with all my might. The people get so confused with this answer, it drives them nuts as to WTF does he mean by he his alive, hanging on?? I on my part am being totally true with the answer because that is how i have been. Yes, i have been smiling ever since i have joined this fellowship(except for the parts wherein i am struggling to live a life of routine). Also, i am alive in the truest of terms now because i am finally discovering myself(though still have a long way to go), i am doing things i love, i am trying to reason out with all the set norms or fathomable beliefs of this world. I have never been more alive then now. As far as hanging on goes, trust me i have never shouldered so much responsibility in my life, the education and career of 35 kids is so much dependent on me. Also, the fact that you are here for a mission adds the neccessary sense of urgency into everything you do. I have never had it so tough, i have to live my life in a fixed routine and have to keep a tab of everything that i have to do: right from planning for the lessons, to making assessments, to collecting the data, to teaching, to feeding the data in trackers, to analysing the data for better results, to making charts and visual aids to ensure that class and lessons are fun, to investing parents,phew. You would have gotten an hint of what my daily day is like and mind you if i fail to deliver, i would have to walk into the classroom the next day and stand in front of those lovely, innocent-eyed kiddos and trust me one look into those eyes and i will be burdened down by the guilt of failing their expectations, of hindering their growth and settling for something less than what they could have achieved had i been at your 100%. I am hanging out with all my might for i know that sooner or later, i would get my routine right and then the real show will begin, i just hope that day is soon enough.
So, the next time any of you plan on asking me the question: How have you been along with the sarcastic undertone, you know what my answer will be: I am ALIVE, SMILING & HANGING ON WITH ALL MY MIGHT.