Some recent events in my life have made me highly aware about a totally new and an extremely beautiful side of me: the side of Bhakti(Devotion) for the universal energy(call it god or whatever), a side of whose existence i was only slightly aware of but had no clue whatsoever that it was so intense and also, that it could manifest itself in such ways. There is this weird energy within me now, a beautiful calmness, i am totally at loss of words while trying to understand the kind of serenity that energy has brought within me, its something that i have never seen before. Its something in which i just want to flow and lose myself. Its funny when i think of it for i know i am yet to even understand it fully and i already feel like losing myself in it. Its something that makes me feel connected to something much much bigger than my tiny, little self, its something in front of which i feel totally at peace with absolutely losing my individuality, i have absolutely no qualms at all with letting go of this ego which binds me so so much to this body, i just feel like losing myself in the Bhakti of that universal energy, of just running away from everything in the world and just simply seeking that pure self present within me and everywhere and anywhere in the universe, i can just live a very simple life in a small hut tucked away in a small, peaceful corner up in the hills just lost in the Bhakti of this energy,something that i am yet to understand fully.
There is this part in me which just wants the pure universal energy to come and take me with it, it wants it to blow me up with the winds and let them guide me to the place where i truly belong, it wants to just seek it’s own salvation and do it fast. It also understands and wants to enjoy each step of the journey which is meant to take me there, however, simultaneously there is a deep yearning for the destination within it, there is a deep sense of just becoming one with that pure energy.
There are moments wherein while hearing a sufi singer sing in the Bhakti of his lord, i tend to just let myself just flow alongside him and let his Bhakti guide me and take me places, i find it so soothing to lose myself in his Bhakti, it only ends up increasing that yearning within me of having that understanding now that would then just let me totally flow in it. I know that still there are a lot of things holding me back, i am still not at peace for i have not yet found answers to a lot of questions that trouble me day and night. The primary of these questions is the WHY behind my been born in a well-to do family with hard-working and caring parents, the WHY behind my been receiving all that care and pampering in the childhood that millions of children don’t receive, the WHY behind my being privileged and the WHY behind the simple fact as to why were any of the children out there born into a house which can’t provide with even the basic rights of food, clothing and shelter leave alone education were not in my place and I in theirs? (I am yet unable to understand(hence believe) the knowledge given in the Vedas about the soul being eternal and the karma of past lives being carried forward and serving as a determining factor for the quality of childhood in present life so my questions remain unanswered). Also, there is this part in me which is all for karma but that would be written about on some other day.
The day i find an answer to this question is the day i believe i will truly understand this universal energy(call him GOD or whatever), that will be the day when if i am meant to i will lose myself truly in its bhakti. I know i shall find an answer to my question for i know it lies somewhere within me only or as Bob Dylan says in his beautiful song Blowing in the wind: is somewhere blowing with the wind.
I know i have earn the right to know the answer and it can only be earned by purity of thought and action which will only come with living a good life accompanied with a lot of hard work(done with the purest of intentions and out of sheer, pure love for it). I know i am on the right track and with my grit and perseverance, i shall earn it as and when the right time comes, until then i have a beautiful journey to keep me entertained.