The time is 10 in the night, i have just come out after taking a refreshing bath, ever since coming back from school in the afternoon, i had been working with my co-fellow trying to plan the whole of next week’s lesson’s in advance, yes its only friday and i am already planning for the whole of next week’s agenda and lessons. Unbelievable right, yup even i find it hard to believe, i so remember myself as a person who 3 months before( during the TFI training Institute) didn’t even believe in planning and found it to be such a big wastage of time. Well, i sure have learnt my lessons, obtained from hours of torture which were a result of unplanned classes, well. For in teaching, its very rightly said: “If u don’t have a plan for the kids, they will surely have a plan for you”. You many find it funny here but standing in front of 35 energetic kids ready to kick off in all directions until you have something planned for them removes the humor for me from it. So, coming back to me coming out after taking a bath: as i came out, the song on my iPod ( Thank you so much for these amazing device Steve, R.I.P ) changes to Back to the Summer of 69. I start moving to the beats while continuing the daily chores and after a while i realize that i have been dancing all by myself all alone in my room. Now, that for me isn’t something out of the ordinary for i do that quite often (There are not many things a person can do to chill himself out in East Delhi) and also, the feeling of dancing all by yourself, free of any thought of being judged or giving a damn for the world totally relaxes you out. You really ought to try this if you haven’t already. P.S: Now, i also know as to why Ranbir Kapoor enjoyed the towel sequence in his very first flick so much.
It was while dancing that i realized as to how much i was more in love with myself than i had ever been before, of how much i was enjoying my life now much much more than what i had ever done, of how satisfied and at peace with myself i felt. The feeling was just amazing and i continued dancing as a punjabi number came up on my amazing iPod( i so enjoy the bhangra). Completing the dance i decidee to pen down the amazing thoughts so here i am: Now, i have always been a loner in my life. I have resonated with a very few people in my life and unlike everyone, i always had a problem accepting the social norm existing in our society, wherein you had to give a plastic smile to every person you come across, wherein you will ask for the well-being of the other person even though you might not give a damn, where while listening to the other person all you would be doing is waiting for your turn to speak. I had always hated these things and felt like being myself in front of everyone, so if i didn’t feel like smiling a fake smile, i wouldn’t smile. As expected of this world, there were a very few people who could understand my behaviour and actually resonate with me. However, ever since my childhood the fact that i was like this troubled me a lot, for i could see everyone else (most of them) being cool with it. I was never at peace with that part of me, i used to wonder as to how could it be wrong when it didn’t feel wrong to me. The first time i came at peace with this part of me was during Tata Jagriti Yatra, a trip across India that i undertook with 400 other people. I discovered and learnt so much about myself during those 18 days. This started a series of self-introspection sessions that i undertook for myself so as to come close to finding the purpose of my existence.
This culminated when i joined for i was exposed to direct action at the ground level, i was handled a responsibility so big that either i could rise up to the challenge and be just to it or falter under the weight. I had always been a fighter and thus, rose up to it and in this process, i have grown immensely as an individual over the past 3 months. It was after joining TFI that for the first time i was able to put into practice my thoughts and also for the first time, i was proud of my actions. TFI gave me the opportunity and entrusted me with a big responsibility, it put faith in my ability for doing something with that straight-forward, honest attitude that i had never found before. I still remember my interview with Surya Pratap Deka( A TFI 2009 fellow who selected me for the fellowship), it was the only interview i have had in my life in which i could completely be myself and still got selected. Ever since joining Teach For India, i have everyday been pushing my comfort zones to the extreme because nothing that i have done till now seems enough towards making me a good teacher, leave alone the part of me been a transformational teacher(something that i will get very soon). However, the only difference has been the fact that i am everyday throughout the last(and first) 3 months of my fellowship have strived for just one thing, infact i have been mad enough to forget everything else, to give up everything else for just that one thing, the pleasure of coming close to giving my best. It has been evading me, infact i am not even close to it, however, the feeling of pursuing it with all that i have got, going after it with everything, wanting it more than anything else in this world keeps driving me through, it keeps me alive. Also, the feeling of knowing you will slowly get there, the feeling of seeing yourself grow/transform slowly-slowly towards reaching your best, something that you had wanted all your life give you immeasurable pleasure. I have never loved facing life more, i am totally doing things my way, i am enjoying being alone most of the time, i find immense pleasure now in my own company, i am taking out time for doing all the things i love, right from reading to writing to dreaming.
I have never felt more alive and more crazy and that’s the reason why i believe myself when i say: I am living the best days of my life